Frustrations and obstacles in workplace relationships is a part of life. Whether the trouble stems from an unreasonable supervisor or a seemingly lazy co-worker, there’s going to be plenty of opportunities to be assertive and to deal firmly with a difficult situation.  But it’s not as easy as it sounds, is it? Speaking up is risky and the wrong words can do more harm than good. Yet ducking our responsibility to deal with the problem can also be an untenable solution.

I think you’re mistaking being offensive for being blunt.”
– Anonymous co-worker

It had been a long week and this was the last straw. The manager saw that a particular employee had yet again broken equipment while using it in the field. He remembered at least 3 other similar incidents and felt convinced that the problem needed to be addressed. He first got feedback from a co-worker and then decided that the time for gentle input was past. He instead dashed off a firm email, letting the employee know that this kind of negligence was a problem that needed to be taken care of.  The next morning, a reply was waiting in his inbox. But the employee’s response wasn’t as expected and he realized that his “strong leadership” had not been well planned.

Here’s some advice for how to be that bull in the china shop … and not break a single piece:
1. Choose Your Timing – Before plunging into a confrontational conversation, first assess when that exchange should take place. Is this their first offense? Then perhaps you should postpone the discussion. Wait to see if the problem is a reoccurring issue or merely a one-time fluke. Also, don’t ever try to resolve a problem when anger is your dominant emotion. You’ll end up saying words you’ll later regret. Finally, make the conversation private. There’s no need to castigate someone during a remote team conference call or in the middle of a busy hallway. The person you’re addressing isn’t likely to respond well to humiliation.  Choose your timing well, and you’ll set the stage for success.
2. Conduct a Fact Check - Meaningful dialogue can’t occur until there is a baseline of agreed upon facts. This step is crucial. Before hitting “send” on that email, make sure your understanding of the situation is correct. Don’t base an accusation on hearsay or on doubtful recollections. Otherwise you’ll just alienate the recipient. Being sure of your facts is integral for moving on to the next stage of resolution.
3. Understanding Is Everything – Next, share your concerns but keep them neutral. Be direct, be specific, but don’t be accusatory. Your goal is to fix the problem, not hammer them over the head with it. You can accomplish this by framing the discussion in a way that invites constructive feedback. Example: “I’m concerned that we won’t meet our deadlines because of the delay in finishing the graphic design. What can I do to help you get the project done on schedule?” Allow them to share their side of the story. There might be factors that you were unaware of or personal problems that are hindering their work.  As Stephen Covey advised in his 7 Habits of Highly Effective People“Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
4. Don’t Get Personal – As recent political events illustrate, insults are only effective at creating stereotypes and cementing divisions. Not exactly the most productive way to get work done! Don’t ever make the person you’re talking to feel marginalized or belittled. Instead, show them respect and do everything in your power to keep the conversation civil. There’s no point in arguing about who’s right and who’s wrong. The end goal is to prevent future problems. And along those lines, don’t engage in back office whispering. This type of gossip has a tendency to make its way back to the individual in question. They’ll feel hurt and betrayed, and in all likelihood will reject any further attempts at productive conversation.

The manager in my earlier illustration (an acquaintance of mine) messed up on his timing, his choice of words and even on conducting a basic fact check. Thankfully, the employee he was reprimanding had a better grasp on how to be tactfully assertive. Instead of responding in anger, the employee graciously acknowledged the broken equipment, as well as his superior’s frustration. But he didn’t leave the accusations unchallenged. He dealt with each one and clarified the facts, making sure the manager knew what Paul Harvey would have termed “the rest of the story.” What could have resulted in a tense working relationship was easily diffused, the problem was dealt with and the employee came out looking like the hero. Not a bad position to be in, especially when you’re the bull thrust into a room full of breakables …
Have you ever had to be the “bull in a china shop” at work? What were your strategies and were you able to protect the proverbial porcelain? Let us know in the comments below.

Julia Camenisch is a freelance writer and editor for a wide range of clients, including national magazines, small businesses owners and non-profit organizations. She also runs a video production company in North Carolina.